Monday, November 30, 2009

Face Of Christ Go To The Theatre

Saturday 21st November

Always the black sheep of the family, Face Of Christ are clearly distinguishable by their beards and penchant for black t-shirts. They utilise their skills as double agents to press the flesh and make a good impression. Little do the normal people know what they have let themselves in for. Do they know who we are? Do they know what we do? I consider toning down the message and coarse language but I feel it would compromise our integrity. They don't censor books and I doubt there is call to censor me. I think a few old ladies might be shocked tonight. Gutted for them. On the Facebook page, a lady spoke about bringing a school trip to watch this. Again we have the dichotomy of playing the release of the new Twilight movie at the local library except there's no turning back this time. The normal people seem nice but let's see once they hear the machine unleashed and spend a few days living with us. I can see us being ostricized for being different but that's not cool is it? We'll see.

We played our set which was fucking hilarious. I saw grannies with their fingers in their ears. I engaged the crowd and the nice sound guy gave me 20m of mic cable to enjoy. At the hostel now which is pretty good and relatively new. FOC have a room set for 5 people en suite because we are so fucking VIP. The internet signal is wank so I can't get my Stumble on or go on Spotify. Weak. Had about three or four double rums and some beers so I'm a little tipsy.

We managed to get a game of Power Hour going and soaked the kitchen floor with beer. Some of the more timid girls looked pretty scared. We indoctrinated one of the bass players into the ranks when he won the game (even against Burly Ben!).

Sunday 22nd November


It's 8.20am. Scott is up to his usual fucking antics, waking me up and bruting near me as a gay mating call. Had he access to any women's clothing, I'm pretty sure he'd be in drag like he used to. My guts are twisted up for some reason. Maybe I just need a banging shit. The internet is about as good as dial up in 1996 so I'm just watching Stewart Lee DVDs and listening to Benefit. I blame iphones for this. I'm in dire need of a man breakfast as cereal is merely a precursor to the main event and for people that do this exercise thing I've heard of. Hopefully I'll get to go fuck about in the hills later and not fall to my death.

Had a mooch through the town and checked out the tempestuous river for a bit and spoke to some nutty guy about me chucking him in. Ahh, banter. Had a look at some saucy postcards then came back and drank what I think might have been decaf. Weak. I managed to snaffle a couple of sausages for my tender stomach. I think we're going into the village to try to find some internet signal as it's def con one here on that front and people are jonesing for some browsing. The little guy that joined FOC last night didn't die in the night. Scott was convinced he would. I think he's in love with the guy. Caught some fucking awesome glimpses. There's a real smorgasbord of different types of pussy here, albeit a bit cock heavy (usual drill there). Scott got really upset when he saw all the analysis I did on him being a gay. I protested that his stable home life provides the perfect beard for his suspect pursuits.

Went to the pub by the river and bounced a few ideas around. It looks like we'll be bringing our A game. Hopefully we will smash everyone's expectations. Made some delicious pasta which turned out to be enough to feed an army. Everyone who indulged was impressed with our culinary skills. The old team back together. One of the girls took our cards so after some Ben & Jerrys we went up to the room. Watched Bronson and had a little sleepy then awoke to peep some Saxondale. Ben went completely ape shit singing Beatles and Metallica to an audience (unbeknowest to him). Some of the other people went back to our Chester to play Telfords open mic night and others went to Wrexscum to go to the cinema. Scott & I went to the lounge so Ben could have a wank. I found a science fiction novel called Dianetics which I'm going to thumb through tonight. Still no internet and we are in desperate need of some Redtube. Dire.

There seems to be a lot of interest in FOC. A few of the actors have been fishing to see who will be working with us but I don't think it's up to the bands. I've been using my social skills but it's after midnight now and I am royally fucked so I'm about to crash.

Monday 23rd November


There is FINALLY internet. I don't believe I've ever gone that long away from it. It was difficult but I survived. There isn't much of a phone signal here either so I've been pretty focused on the work. Ideas are flowing out and it has definitely changed the way we work and how we approach challenges. We should do this more often. I'm planning to maybe go to Scotland next autumn and write some dark stuff. The first thing we turned out sounded like Joy Division. It was pretty awesome. My dainty fingers are hurting from playing bass. Hopefully they won't hurt too much to browse porn tonight and tease one out. Looking forward to dominating tonight and taking over the dining room with Spotify. I might even get a bit smashed. I think we're working until 6 today so maybe dinner and a power nap first. We'll see if we can get a room schedule fixed up for wanking.

Ahh. Having a bit of a Stumble. FOC are currently holding court in the dining room and forcing people to listen to our choice of music. I don't think anyone was expecting Fleetwood Mac and The Knack.

Tuesday 24th November


Last night, Ben made the electro-circus tune "Wank Spider". Much laughter was heard from room 5. Finally got to knock one out. It's hard to get any privacy in a shared room and I'm really not into single beds, let alone bunk beds. At least I have one to myself. We're supposed to be going to a rock n roll pantomime tonight which sounds weak. If we're working until 6 and leaving at 7 it doesn't leave much time for dinner, which is important to me. I don't like to write with the guys unless it's a collab because it's very private process for me. Hopefully if I can duck out of going to the theatre, I can get some work done tonight. I think by the end of this, I might be sick of making music. Something about disappearing up one's own arse is kind of repellent. I think this experience has changed me. I don't know if that's a good thing. It's pretty hard for me to interact with people for this amount of time. I spend a lot of time alone so even sharing a room is a bit much for me. I'm starting to get a bit edgy being around people so much. I know it's part of it and it is work but I need some time to myself. I might go a bit Stephen Fry later (as in wander off up the hills, not start bumming men). I could really slay a hot beef sandwich from this dope looking bakery round the corner that looks like it has a frigging carvery going in it. There's a bit of a bum community outside the hostel. If it was me, I'd be up in the hills, not in some doorway. I guess the begging must be good there. They have a little cellar at the hostel so I might hide out in there later for a bit. I could do with some weights or a walk or something. I have to pen two songs now. We're doing three styles that portray a ficticious three eras of FOC in the piece. Interesting.

We eschewed the pantomime and stayed in the room writing the second song. We all got wanking dibs on the room at some point. We also made a music video for Wank Spider. Scott's disgusting snoring sounded like a skip being dragged through a mass grave and I didn't get much sleep. A lot of people were whooping it up downstairs but I can't complain as I was doing Tarzan yells and getting a bit carried away myself. Before bed I played Scrabble with Ben and Sara. I got in a mood and forfeited the game. I wanted to launch it across the room but refrained. For dinner I only managed 6 turkey drummers, 3 servings of mash and half a bag of green beans. That's all.

Wednesday 25th November

Today was pretty productive. I've done the lyrics for both songs and we should be getting our PA this afternoon. A bin truck went passed and smelled so rancid I could taste it. I was nearly sick. Ben got a copy of Satanic Verses from a charity shop for £1.99. There's talk of going to the open mic night tonight. I don't know if I'm into it and tapas seems agreeable. I wouldn't mind schmoozing some girls though. We'll see. This song Tempestuous Mistress is a beast. It will blow minds. Guaranteed. I'm in less of a bad mood today surprisingly because we've ploughed through things. Hopefully I can keep this going for the rest of the afternoon.

Face Of Christ have been kicked out of there rehearsal space. We have been in there playing music for THREE DAYS and the landlady has heard us playing. We were going through a song (at 4:30pm, by the way) and the woman comes bounding up and says we can't play because there is a funeral and she wasn't told we would be playing music! She watch me play the fucking drums! Ben is currently writing some Harry Potter fanfic. I am fucking starving and could go for some tapas. I'm just peeping out some Abbey Brooks porn on 4tube but the internet has crashed so that's nipped my afternoon wank in the bud. Rats.

Thursday 26th November

We got into the church today. We seemed to play to a lot of different people at points in the day. We were interviewed by the BBC just now. Pretty funny. Chatted to Luke for a bit. Left the two lovers (Ben & Scott) to record at the church. Sipping down some coffee and trying to liven up a bit. Ben has to go to the theatre tonight to look at the space we'll be playing in. I now have to learn the lyrics for the two songs with words as I'll be running around rather than being hidden away. Kit's work is fucking cool and similar to FOC shit. I've spent the whole time here indoors at night but I might venture out tonight. It's been a long day. Hopefully we will finally conquer the hill tomorrow.

Friday 27th November

We got things tied up pretty quick today so Kit, Scott & I took a walk up a hill. Scott nearly died. Back at the hostel, we had a raucous game of Spoons which ended up with me missing my recording slot on Oh My God. Ben demanded I bring him a female to do back ups so I grabbed Louise. She got into it with zeal and provided some decent girl sex noises to counteract Ben's filth. I nearly died laughing at the lyrics. We finally found a chinese takeaway that was also a fancy restaurant and sold tat in the window. The lady was wearing a SARS mask. Later when the track premiered, people went berzerk. We were dancing on the tables and getting crunk to that shit. Scott had two of the girls but didn't know what to do with it. Probably didn't want to get in trouble.

Saturday 28th November

Had to get up stupid early to get to the theatre. We had our tech pretty early and got like four hours off. We were going to grab a movie there but couldn't be bothered. I went to Tesco and picked up the Ghostbusters game for Wii. We had food in the green room then I had a little sleepy on a couch for over an hour. We did a full dress rehearsal and my mic didn't work. I think this helped as later people really shit themselves when the blasts of noise came. We played second on the bill. Everyone's work was fantastic and there was a common thread in all the pieces. I went for a Guinness then we were all called back on stage. Then...WE FUCKING WON. I know we said from the start but I was still taken aback. As soon as it was announced, they gave us the trophy and Louise pumped Oh My God through the house PA. Everyone on stage went sick to it. It was a beautiful moment but kinda sad as it signified the end of a really great week. We gave Kit the trophy as we figure we can't be trusted with it. I didn't want the power to go to my head. I have to mention at this point that Wes alone won us the award as it was based on applause, and although we had the least support, he made the biggest noise. It wouldn't have mattered if we hadn't won but it really was the icing on the cake. I realised I still have physical contact issues, as girls kept hugging me as I was going for the formal handshake. One girl wants me to come to her house so she can watch me all day. She said I scare her and she likes it.

When we got into this thing, I had tiny reservations and thought we'd be outcast. As it happens, everyone seemed to love us and if they didn't, they must have feared us because they didn't let on. I had an amazing time and everyone I met, and I mean everyone, was awesome. I'm not known for my social skills but I think as a unit we made an impression on everyone. Although a few of the guys were sickos to begin with (Kit & John mostly), they will definitely be changed forever because of us. It's nice to know we have that effect on people. I really hope to stay in touch with everyone and I would love to do this kind of thing again. This is probably the most positive thing I've ever written. I guess going to a tiny village in the autumn with nothing but a river and hills can do that to a guy. I'm sure I will write in depth about all this, but this is my blow by blow account of what happened that week.

Love,

George Forgery, Face Of Christ

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Some Stuff And Some Things

Caught On Campus

This is a new project I'm working on that appeals mostly to jocks. It encompasses elements from porn, goofball prank/violence shows like Dirty Sanchez and Jackass, and the badassness of things like MMA/wrestling etc. So some "buff dudes" go onto college campus and start fucking some "hotties" on film. When somebody from the halls of residence calls for security, the guys beat the shit out of them! And maybe they spray them with the fire hose too. More bangs for your buck.

Women

Women are always moaning aren't they? "I'm cold. I want some shoes. Why did you throw mother down the stairs? This drinking has got to stop. Come away from those kids!". It's no wonder so many men stay single.

The Future Of The Future


In the future there will be no future. Before you call me out on this double negative, listen to my theory. Men now shop at emporiums like H&M, River Island and Office. These shops appear to have no "Straight" section. Instead of lionizing men like Hemmingway and Sean Connery (the former could be portrayed by the latter in a biopic), the modern man looks up to Russell Brand and Jean Paul Gaultier. Now, although the metro masquerades as straight and is usually a womanizer, the logical step from keffiyeh and bedhead hair is to become an actual fruit. What could be more fashionable? And so out the window goes procreation and thus the human race.

Hip Hop

In the future, autotune will spiral so far out of control that all rappers will be digital. They will have their own add ons and plug ins that you can utilize to get your favourite sound. By then genres will have changed from RnB and New Jack Swing to more modern terms we can only imagine. People will look back at the more hardcore era of rap and hip hop and laugh at its archaic and austere sensibility. These people used to actually use their own voice?!

Failed Superheroes

The Green, Green Grass

This guy's story is a little hazy. He is green for starters. Could be a nuclear or merely industrial accident (strong dye). He cares about the environment (that's why he's green twice). So he's basically a rip off of Captain Planet but green instead of blue (he's green). The main difference is that his only "superpower" is his ability to ring the police in a tough situation.

New Genres Of Music

Drug Step

This might already exist. It's "music" that people on drugs can listen to that goes "doof doof doof" over and over.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sex Line

I was thinking of starting up a sex line. But after some thought, I decided I'm not really into that sex stuff and all that pretend moaning and groaning is pretty insincere. So I've decided to set up a non sex line. For ladies. Things that ladies like to fantasize about. Here are a few of my ideas:

Sensitive Man Will Listen To Your Bullshit
Let's Talk About Your Ex
I Put The Seat Down AND Clean The Bowl
Your Unreasonable Demands Met Immediately
Let's Cuddle
You Go Shopping, I Carry Your Stupid Shit Around For You
You Drink, I Drive

Sunday, August 09, 2009

VHS Is Fucking Dead

What started out as a short blog will now be expanded as often as I can be bothered and possibly made into its own blog. Check back for updates soon.

1. Targets



As far as I can remember, this movie has a bit of a Dirty Harry feel to it. Not really much happens except a total nutjob Nam vet decides to go out and start shooting things. First he kills his wife and mother then starts picking off people at random from atop an oil refinery. The movie climaxes with him shooting more randoms through a hole in a drive-in screen. The legendary Boris Karloff, in his final major role, simply walks up and gives him a proper slap in the chops. And that's it. It sounds weak but it's fucking amazing and although not as deep as something like Falling Down it's still a decent flick.

2. After Hours




This nugget is a surreal dark comedy from Martin Scorcese about a word processor (guy not machine or software) trying to get home from SoHo. He encounters all kinds of fruitcakes and characters along the way and has many narrow escapes only to have his unintentional misadventures come back to haunt him further into his journey. A sense of terror and hopelessness shrouds the movie as we wonder if he'll ever make it back alive. I won't spoil it for you. Track it down.

3. Quick Change




You might have seen this one back in the day but again it's not readily available in the UK. Bill Murray pulls a bank heist dressed as Grimm the clown. After a hostage situation he makes a clever escape with his girlfriend and best friend. It seems like the perfect plan but, as happens in all these classic movies (I wanted to say eighties but this came out in 1990, the arse end of the decade) their escape turns into a nightmare. Brilliant comedy from the legend and well made. This is Bill Murray's first and only directional role.

4. Mr No Legs




This takes us back to less PC times when exploitation kung fu movies such as "One Armed Boxer 2", "Crippled Heroes", "Crippled Avengers" and "Crippled Masters" were enjoyed. I first saw Mr No Legs in a local bookstore in one of those big old white VHS boxes rentals used to come in. It wasn't cheap. The tagline says "The Cops want to get him. The Mob wants to hit him. But no one wants to meet him face to face." which suggests he is a vigilante of some sort. I don't remember much else from it other than it being rather shallow and gimmicky (no shit!). Have a look at this clip. Not exactly cinematic finesse.



5. The Chase




In case you didn't know, Charlie Sheen wasn't always a douche. He's actually a pretty funny guy if you ignore Two & A Half Men. He's also friends with lots of punks. This movie is right up there in probably my top 20. Charlie is facing a conviction for an armed robbery he didn't commit. While skipping out on his sentence, he ironically ends up holding up a garage and kidnapping a girl after a cop realises he's a wanted man. The rest of the movie focuses on a car chase, the humour of Henry Rollins as a cop, the old formula of the innocent underdog against the rich and the token love story. Lots of punk on the soundtrack too. It's fucking class. Go find it now.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Mexican Conkers

This game was invented after a night of nefarious pursuits in a local bar. While sipping on the gang's drink of choice, Corona, the concept of this naughty game came to me. Prepare to get barred or play this at home, outside or somewhere where you are pretty settled.

Equipment
Several bottles of Corona
Drink addled brains

1. Decide who will go first, either by flipping a coin or a chug race.
2. Whoever lost holds out their full or semi full open Corona with the neck leaning toward the other player.
3. The first player swings their full or semi full open Corona into the other bottle so that the necks clash.
4. If the player who's turn it is spills any beer onto the passive player, the player who's turn it is next gets two swings.
5. Take it in turns to do this until one player's bottle smashes into smithereens.
6. The player who loses not only ends up without a beer but has to buy the winner a beer also.
7. Keep playing until smashed, barred or a combination of the twain.

This game can be played by many players with as much structure as you can muster. Have fun and remember this game is fucking dangerous. I accept no responsibility for you getting slashed up or knocked spark out by other bar patrons.

Enjoy.

Friday, January 02, 2009

New Year

We're moving closer to death. Each year is a notch. The countdown to 2012. Whether you believe in it or not, things will change drastically over the next couple of years. You've seen the movies. You know why they make them? DIRECTORS make them to get a message across to you. HOLLYWOOD lets them get made to confuse you. You say to yourself "oh, that's just something I saw in a movie once". The Day After Tomorrow, Soilent Green, Equilibrium, 1984, Children Of Men to name but a few. The themes are contorted slightly to appear as fantasy. Maybe there won't be mass infertility as in Children Of Men. But there will be (and already is) a police state where immigrants are treated like animals. Where we won't be able to do as we please. We sat back and let these things happen. ID cards, racial profiling, CCTV, stop and search laws, form 696. We've already seen evidence of government orchestrated disasters. Epidemics, "natural" disasters, "terrorist" attacks, financial crises. we've been warned by so called radicals to arm ourselves against those who oppress us. The so called fanatical nut jobs who are stock piling weapons, food and fuel will be the ones with the best chance of survival. Well, at least we all got pissed up on NYE. We made some resolutions to jog off that Christmas paunch and quit smoking. We all need to look at the bigger picture. Stop doing as your told. You want to do something subversive that doesn't really harm anyone at all except the lizard bastards that stop us having a buzz? Fuck 'em. Just do it. Write stuff. Break stuff. Steal stuff. Learn your rights and exercise them wherever and whenever you can. Don't be scared of cops. They have less powers than they'd lead us to believe. Sam Scam and I got harassed last year for making tea on the cross. Actually victimized and threaten in a loaded way for doing pretty much jack shit wrong and minding our own business. Watch those sneaky rat bastards. Research. Distribute. Educate. To use an old maxim - Knowledge is power. Arm yourself. Question everything. If they take your details, take theirs. There are plenty of ways to fight the cunts that control us. They won't like it but that doesn't make them right. Don't be afraid to rock the boat. Don't follow the rules. I'm not saying act like a prick for the sake of it or mindlessly vandalize things. But don't be a fucking zombie. Things will get worse. Keep saying no.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Pops

As some of you may know or have heard, my grandfather passed away last thursday. It's been hard for me to even try to write something about him as I feel anything I write wouldn't do him justice. I tried to write a eulogy for his funeral on tuesday but I felt it was too brief. The man was nothing less than a hero to me. Everything I do in life, I always consider what my grandad would think of me. If I'm doing stupid or immoral things, I always try to get on the right track. He did everything for me. The least I could do is make him proud. He was an altruist, a gentleman and a mentor. All his life, he put others first. He'd rush to hold the door for somebody, even when he was getting slow on his feet. He always used good manners and called the nurses dear at the hospital. He was a big lover of nature and animals. When we were kids, my sister and I spent most of our time with him, going for country walks, bike rides and mushroom picking. He rarely chastised us. We called him by his first name, Vince, and he never got mad if we swore or anything. The thing I miss about him most is his sense of humour. He was the funniest man I ever met. Whether intentional or not, he never failed to amuse. He had weird idiosyncrasies and his own crazy words that only made sense to him. He was pretty eccentric, always counting things, saying and doing strange things. He was a big horder too. He would find stuff while out walking the dog and bring it back to the house. Bikes, canoes(!), single shoes, glasses. My grandma would go nuts. The hardest thing for me will be the funeral. Not because of the sorrow I will feel personally. But to see people crying and shit. I'm sure I will be upset too. But I'll always remember him as a funny man. He used to say "Don't worry about me". When I'd leave after going to see him, I'd say "will you be alright on your own?" and he'd go "yes! I've been to Egypt on my own!". He'd hate for people to be moping around. That's why I've been reflecting on my favourite memories of him, not sitting around crying. Don't get me wrong, I miss the guy and I've shed tears. But that's not how I deal with things. He'll always be with me in every step. I'm getting his name tattooed on my chest today. My number one relative. My Hero. Vincent Wilfred Thompson. RIP. You'll live forever in all who met you.